Connection to others is a major focus point in our lives. And yet, most of us rarely stop to consciously think about what we’re actually looking for in our connections.
Instead, we let society quietly dictate the rules: absorbing ideas about when we should settle down, how many friends we should have, what relationships should look like, and how much time different people are allowed to take up in our lives. We inherit relationship scripts, and then we pretty much follow them. But what if we paused long enough to ask, ‘what kind of connections do I actually want?’. That question was at the heart of a workshop I ran at the flagship Urban Outfitters store. The goal wasn’t just to help people meet new friends or find romance. It was to encourage something deeper - to approach relationships with intention.
It’s beautiful, and life-affirming, and also really messy. Because every time we connect with someone, we bring our insecurities, fears, and past experiences along for the ride. So no wonder it can feel complicated.
The first step is identifying what it is you actually want. In my ‘Connecting with Confidence’ masterclass, I opened with one simple question: what are you looking for in your connections?. The answers were wildly varied.
Some people wanted new friends. Some wanted a full friendship group. Some were looking for casual fun. Others were dating in search of that elusive ‘main character’ energy, someone who feels like home and adventure all at once. But beyond the practical answers, the emotional ones were even more interesting.
People wanted security, adventure, to bond over shared interests, deep late-night chats, to feel held in community, to get a good story out of a date, creative inspiration, someone to raise a kitten with. It was a reminder that connection isn’t one-size-fits-all. And yet we often treat it that way.
I invite you to answer this question yourself. If you strip away what you think you should want at this stage of your life, what are you actually looking for? When you understand your ‘why’, you can start making more intentional decisions about who you connect with, and how. You stop chasing relationships that don’t fit, or shrinking yourself to match someone else’s expectations. My hope is that this clarity helps to build confidence in who you are and what you want.
Guest Editor: Switch On To Switch Off w/ Ruby Rare
Sex educator and writer, Ruby Rare, is here with an international connection masterclass to help you build the relationships that shape your life…
The next step in the masterclass was writing ‘the list’. My best friend’s getting married this summer (I’m very very excited). Before she met her truly lovely fiancé, he did something that sounds slightly intense but is actually genius: he wrote a concise list of the qualities he was looking for in a partner. Don’t panic, it wasn't superficial stuff like ‘good arse’, it’s a beautifully thoughtful list that made me cry when he showed it to me. He’d written about kindness, emotional intelligence, shared values, the way he wanted to feel around someone, and the type of life he wanted to build. And lucky him cos he found someone brilliant who aligns with that core list.
Whatever type of connection you’re looking for (romantic, sexual, platonic, creative, community-based), I encourage you to open your notes app and write your own list. What you actually value in the people you keep close might surprise you. For example, one of the points on my list is people having a real interest in food, because cooking and eating are a massive way I express love and creativity. Sharing meals is intimacy for me - it really matters. And just to clarify - this isn’t about setting impossibly high standards and turning people into a tick-box exercise. We’re all flawed. We all have weird quirks and bad days and slightly irrational habits. This list goes beyond them and is about identifying core values.
Throughout history, finding a partner has often swung between romantic spontaneity and practical selection - maybe the sweet spot is a bit of both?
To end the workshop, I wanted to share some insights from my research and help the audience reframe their understanding of building connections.
Last year I co-authored a report about relationship anarchy and its potential to tackle loneliness with Feeld, the dating app for the curious.
Coined by writer and activist Andie Nordgren, relationship anarchy (often shortened to RA) borrows principles from political anarchism, particularly anti-hierarchy and anti-capitalism, and applies them to personal relationships. The underpinning belief is that no relationship should be bound by rules that haven’t been explicitly agreed upon by the people in it, and no relationship is automatically more important than another, challenging the idea that romantic relationships must automatically outrank friendships. It invites us to treat all our relationships as unique, equally valuable, and capable of deep intimacy.
Whatever type of connection you’re looking for (romantic, sexual, platonic, creative, community-based), I encourage you to open your notes app and write your own list. What you actually value in the people you keep close might surprise you. For example, one of the points on my list is people having a real interest in food, because cooking and eating are a massive way I express love and creativity. Sharing meals is intimacy for me - it really matters. And just to clarify - this isn’t about setting impossibly high standards and turning people into a tick-box exercise. We’re all flawed. We all have weird quirks and bad days and slightly irrational habits. This list goes beyond them and is about identifying core values.
Throughout history, finding a partner has often swung between romantic spontaneity and practical selection - maybe the sweet spot is a bit of both?
To end the workshop, I wanted to share some insights from my research and help the audience reframe their understanding of building connections.
Last year I co-authored a report about relationship anarchy and its potential to tackle loneliness with Feeld, the dating app for the curious.
Coined by writer and activist Andie Nordgren, relationship anarchy (often shortened to RA) borrows principles from political anarchism, particularly anti-hierarchy and anti-capitalism, and applies them to personal relationships. The underpinning belief is that no relationship should be bound by rules that haven’t been explicitly agreed upon by the people in it, and no relationship is automatically more important than another, challenging the idea that romantic relationships must automatically outrank friendships. It invites us to treat all our relationships as unique, equally valuable, and capable of deep intimacy.
And what’s fascinating is that many people are already practicing a version of this without knowing the term. Through my research with Feeld, we found that after reading the definition of relationship anarchy 1 in 5 non-Feeld members realized they practice or have practiced something that fits within the term, and among Feeld members, that number jumped to 1 in 2. These people reported a greater sense of freedom, less loneliness, a stronger sense of shaping their relationships around their needs, and more reliable support networks.
And honestly? That makes sense. Even if you don’t adopt the label, the mindset is powerful. When we broaden the scope of where and how we experience connection, we become less fragile. If one connection shifts or ends, we’re not left with nothing, because we’ve built community, not dependency.
Intentional connection isn’t about controlling outcomes. It’s not about engineering perfect relationships or eliminating vulnerability. It’s about awareness, and pausing long enough to ask: what do I value? What kind of community am I building? Am I living by my own relational blueprint, or someone else’s?
When we approach connection with intention, we show up differently. We stop chasing relationships that don’t align. We communicate more clearly. We invest more deeply in the people who truly matter. And perhaps most importantly, we release the pressure that one person has to be everything.
Life is built by the connections we make. So be brave enough to question the script, define your own needs, and intentionally build a network of care that reflects who you really are. Because connection isn’t just something that happens to us, it’s something we choose.
And honestly? That makes sense. Even if you don’t adopt the label, the mindset is powerful. When we broaden the scope of where and how we experience connection, we become less fragile. If one connection shifts or ends, we’re not left with nothing, because we’ve built community, not dependency.
Intentional connection isn’t about controlling outcomes. It’s not about engineering perfect relationships or eliminating vulnerability. It’s about awareness, and pausing long enough to ask: what do I value? What kind of community am I building? Am I living by my own relational blueprint, or someone else’s?
When we approach connection with intention, we show up differently. We stop chasing relationships that don’t align. We communicate more clearly. We invest more deeply in the people who truly matter. And perhaps most importantly, we release the pressure that one person has to be everything.
Life is built by the connections we make. So be brave enough to question the script, define your own needs, and intentionally build a network of care that reflects who you really are. Because connection isn’t just something that happens to us, it’s something we choose.